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July 04 Car of the future?Massively outstripping the Sinclair C5 for automobile weirdness is this new eco-friendly contraption, masterminded by American Greg Zanis and his sons, Chris and Greg. They're hoping to sell this Toblerone-on-wheels for a healthy $24,000, which sounds like good business - until you find out it cost $60,000 to build in the first place...
June 25 Robocop-offInternet dating. It works for some, but personally I'd rather cry myself to sleep every night to an eternal soundtrack of Beck's 'Loser' than take the cyber love plunge. Thank heavens then for Japanese games giant SEGA, who's just invented the E.M.A. (Eternal, Maiden, Actualization), a robotic girlfriend that can be programmed to kiss on command, perform dances for you and even happily discuss the complexities of the offside rule. Ok, maybe not the last one. Anyway, in celebration of this loner-friendly contraption - along with some other robots that also didn't really need inventing - here's the Top Five Coolest Robots In The World, Ever (not including Johnny 5):
June 18 Rott'n rollMusic award ceremonies never feel complete without a bit of scandal or bad behaviour. Jarvis flashing his bum to Jacko at the Brits still probably topping the lot. At last night's Mojo Awards, clapped out punk rocker Johnny Rotten carried on the tradition, unpleasantly mouthing off like it's 1977...
Come on Johnny you're 52, you can't really still be angry, surely?
June 13 Is there life on Mars?Those of you who, along with Robbie Williams, are fascinated by UFOs will no doubt be counting the days to the forthcoming X-Files film, entitled 'I Want To Believe'. Now, I want to believe in aliens, I really do. Indeed there's nothing more I'd like, particularly when travelling on my way home through East Croydon, than to be whisked away by a flying saucer to more pleasant pastures. But this seriously iffy 'footage' does nothing to increase my hopes...
But maybe I'm just being cynical. What do you all reckon? Genuine or fake?
June 05 Hair to the throneUnless you're one of life's lucky ones, growing older generally leads to the sad migration of hair from the top of one's head to previously untainted areas such as the nose and ears, where, upon arrival, it serves no function other than to cause mild humiliation. Still, mustn't grumble. No matter how bad thing get, unwanted hair growth will probably never be as big an issue as it is for Chinese musician 'Wool Boy', who declares he's hairiest man alive with a staggering 96.5% bodily coverage...
He's an impressively furry fella, sure, but a comparative baldy when up against 98% carpet-chops Larry, who surely must take the honourable title as The Hairiest Man In The World...
Whereas Wool Boy clearly enjoys the limelight, even claiming people like him primarily for his music (which frankly must be pretty special if it's to outdo his facial furniture), Larry comes across more reflective, wishing to leave his circus days behind and live a normal life. Ultimately though both seem proud of their appearance. Good on them. Big beards are cool, just ask ZZ Top.
June 02 Probably the best advert in the worldAfter years of being rubbish, Formula One is exciting again (Lewis Hamilton, take a bow). However it did feel better when the BBC - aided by loveable gibberish-machine Murray Walker - had the broadcasting rights, as you didn't have all those darn advertisement breaks. At the recent rain-drenched Monaco GP, and with the safety car dispatched seemingly every five minutes, ITV had a field day; the coverage basically reduced to a two-hour long ad movie interspersed with occasional footage of soggy vehicles driving very slowly. If only all the adverts shown that day were as clever as this one from Honda, things wouldn't have felt so bad. Recorded live - a first for an ad on UK television - it shows a group of skydivers jumping from a plane and forming the letters H,O,N,D and A in sequence. And with everyone thankfully knowing how to correctly spell in the sky, the result is spectacular...
May 23 If it ain't broke...So Masters of the Yawniverse, Coldplay, are back with new material and it sounds just like their old material, even though they said it wouldn't. Alright, Violet Hill is a tiny bit rockier than we're used to, but it's certainly no Kid A-style freakout. More surprising is the unseasonably large dollop of "snow" references in the lyrics - suppose something's got to rhyme with "go" and "know"...
May 16 Top of the flopsI'm sure I'm not alone in saying I don't watch Big Brother. It's dull, dull, dull. Hence my ignorance over Chanelle. In fact, the first I saw of her was in the (far more exciting) reality show MTV Chanelle Wannabe PopStar where over a matter of weeks, and to the sound of torturous barrel-scraping, a turd gets polished and a 'popstar' is born:
So, was it all worthwhile? Judging by some of the comic gems on the MSN Video comments board, the answer appears to be a resounding 'no'. My top three, in no particular order, are: "She can't sing, dance, act and I hate her." (cobblers89) "What a load of crap. But then again what would anyone expect from a talentless chav wannabe." (ttfq) "As much talent as posh spice! That means zero talent." (casus72) Harsh. Very harsh. Better stick to the day job then Chanelle. What was that again?
April 30 Altered imagesI'm pretty lucky that I actually get paid to watch music videos (amongst other stuff, of course). There's so many weird and wonderful ones out there, and it's the weird ones I like the most. Often, a decent video can really enhance a song - the disturbing imagery on Aphex Twin's 'Come To Daddy' springs to mind. More recently I came across this one from Animal Collective, a cool indie/experimental band from New York. But I'm sure there's even more bizarre ones out there - send me a link to your favourites if you can outdo this:
World's worst school runOne great thing about getting older is slowly forgetting rubbish stuff you had to do as a kid. Going to school, mainly. Crammed onto a bus in a hideous bully-magnet uniform, only to be confronted by some unspeakable crime against humanity - usually double Physics - is now thankfully a mere spec in the mind. But if that seemed bad, check this out. Crossing a raging river to get to class?! Surely no-one has ever had a worse school journey than this...
April 08 Dancing KingWhile these days Michael Jackson seems more interested in dressing his children in veils and dangling them out of hotel windows, once upon a time, old surgery face really knew how to put on a show. Check out this video from 1992 - it's frankly amazing (over zealous crotch-fiddling aside). I can't think of any pop star of this current generation that moves as well. Timberlake? No chance. Come back to Earth Jacko, all is forgiven.
April 02 Ghost townI think we can all agree high streets are a nightmare. Slaloming round the dog mess, drunken nutters and wobbly pensioners armed with three-foot-wide trolleys is such a chore that by the time you get to your destination, you wish you hadn't bothered. But wait. There's a new urban peril; a stunt called 'freeze'.
I'm really not sure what to make of this. Artistic statement, just a bit of fun, or more pointless than Paris Hilton's film career? Perhaps a bit of all three.
March 26 Nottie good filmI am, and always have been, terrible at acting. Granted it was a short career, starting at school in 1988 and ending roughly three minutes later, but on that one occasion I was called upon, I fluffed my lines so catastrophically even the most stone-faced teacher was instantly reduced to a cackling mess. That said, I’m willing to bet my performance was no worse than professional layabout Paris Hilton, who is ‘starring’ in the forthcoming romcom flick, The Hottie and the Nottie. If that title wasn’t enough to induce self-harm, Paris (the Hottie, naturally) pouts and preens her way through 90 minutes of probably the worst cinema hell since, well, her last film. I say probably, as I’ve only seen the trailer, but this alone is excruciating enough evidence. Warning: film buffs may find the following footage upsetting.
Bad eh? Don’t get me wrong, I like a rubbish movie as much as the next person – I’m the proud owner of Teen Wolf 1 AND 2 after all, but this is something else. I’ll leave it to MSN member satheh to sum up expectations for the film; “I hope she gets a pole through the head in this movie too.” Fingers crossed.
March 25 Cat powerEaster holidays. A time for chocolate eggs, DIY-related injuries and, err, cats. Well for me anyway. Forget cute bunnies and fluffy chicks, the long weekend gave me the chance to catch up with my favourite, come to think of it only, pet. Being the grand old age of 16, my cat is balding, yowls like a mad wolf and dribbles more than a new born baby, but I adore it all the same. Judging by the tons of kitty videos we’ve recently been receiving, it seems there’s a lot of love out there for the nation’s second-favourite animal. And it's easy to see why. For starters cats are multitalented - have you ever seen a rabbit play piano? Of course not:
Ok so it's hardly belting out Bach, but it's tricky playing piano with paws you know. Another thing, whereas dogs are busy pointlessly retrieving sticks, cats appreciate the finer things in life; sofa, telly and a good cold beer (just out of shot, probably):
Surely though the best thing about cats is how they relate to us, sharing our frustration with life’s little annoyances. You know when you’re trying to delicately prize the first sheet off a new toilet roll only for a whole load to tear? It can get all too much to handle...
March 19 Mad Cow DiseaseHeather Mills. Two words to send a collective shiver down the nation's spine. I admit, she’s an easy hate target, not least because she’s just fleeced dear old Sir Macca for £24.3m. Of course, he was in The Beatles so that basically makes him untouchable (even if with every passing ‘thumbs-up’ hand gesture he loses another crumb of coolness).
In fact, it’s so trendy to hate Heather that, in the unlikely event you were to defend her personality to someone, you’ll probably receive a dumbfounded look as if you’ve just shat in their cornflakes. But come on, with rants like this she really doesn’t help herself:
Check out the nonsense emanating from her gob. “Beatrice only gets £35,000 a year.” Only? Poor Beatrice. Just the one Rolls-Royce for your 18th birthday then. And what's all this, “everybody knows he’s worth £800 million”? Good for him. He’s earned it, bringing pleasure to generations with great music. What have you ever done Heather? And looking through your comments on this video it appears I'm not alone. Thanks to Tellus-Knight-01for this particularly neat cattle-based vignette: "What a gold digging cow - she only married him for his money - whoever says different is talking bull!" Quite.
Fear of flyingAlthough I appreciate I’m one of many, I’ll come out and say it anyway. I hate planes. Well, not planes themselves - they’re frankly amazing - but flying in general. Something about being helplessly suspended 20,000 feet in the air with only a plastic sandwich and a semi-functioning TV screen for distraction has never appealed. But seeing as I’m 27 not 7, I thought it time to get over this childish fear of mortality once and for all. So last week I was a mere click away from booking tickets to New York for a holiday. Virgin Atlantic. Nice and safe. Plus, Virgin is run by Sir Richard Branson. And Branson’s got a beard. People with beards are reliable. Heck, even though I’d just watched a chilling documentary on BBC Four about those plane crash victims in the Andes who had to start munching on their dead friends to stay alive, I still wasn’t deterred. After all, that was the 1970s - ages ago - planes are safer now, surely. And then I saw this video. Oh. Dear.
Ok, so the plane doesn’t crash. But just look at the way it swoons about in the stormy sky before skimming the runway, perilously close to disaster. To paraphrase Gillette, it’s one close shave. Better stick to Bognor again this year.
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